Eyes On Absalom
5th Pharast 4720 AR
Boiling Point: Edgewatch Agents Scalded in Spa Showdown
By Celeste Scuttlequill, Steam Reporter
Disaster struck this week at the Dragonfly Pagoda when two Edgewatch agents entered what can only be described as “the world’s angriest bathhouse.”
Eyewitnesses (mostly stunned kobold hostages) report that local investigator Cole Umburi and cleric Arrem Kyndari were caught completely off guard by a trap fountain that sprayed them with scalding hot water—clearly confused about the difference between arresting suspects and visiting a spa.
Sources say the kobold defenders, giggling from the shadows, watched in awe as the agents “boiled like dumplings” while triggering every pressure plate in sight. One kobold scout allegedly said, “We weren’t even trying to trap that one. He just walked into it.”
Edgewatch officials refused to comment, but one sergeant was heard muttering, “It’s fine, it’s fine… They’ve got towels back at HQ.”
Web of Lies: Heroes Caught by Spider, Fashion
By Flip Whisperquill, Arachnid Affairs Desk
In an exclusive Eyes on Absalom investigation, we reveal that the so-called “heroes” sent to rescue workers from the Dragonfly Pagoda actually got stuck in a web—both literal and metaphorical.
Our sources deep within the Edgewatch (thank you, Jan from Custodial Services) confirmed that Cole Umburi attempted to heroically scale a set of stairs—only to be ensnared in spider silk like a clueless fly. Meanwhile, his mysterious fetchling companion, now flamboyantly calling himself “Dragonfly” (yes, really), was seen shouting helpful advice like, “Use your feelings!”
And Arrem Kyndari? Let’s just say swinging a warhammer at a giant spider while tangled in religious paraphernalia doesn’t make for the smoothest rescue.
But here’s the real twist: Edgewatch forgot to bring bug spray. Again.
Wardrobe Malfunctions! Edgewatch Go Undercover, Overdressed
By Gilda Giggleboot, Fashion & Farce Columnist
When you need subtlety, elegance, and undercover discretion… who do you not call? Apparently, Edgewatch.
This week, Edgewatch HQ wheeled out legendary fashionista Madame Celestine—last seen on stage in 4670—who promptly declared the undercover agents “fabulous darling” and dressed them in the finest silks, cloaks, and memories of long-dead celebrities.
Eyewitnesses describe the result as “theatrical trenchcoat meets walking weapons depot.” Arrem, bless his holy heart, was last seen attempting to sneak through a graveyard while clanking like a temple bell and trailing two feather boas.
Dragonfly, meanwhile, leaned into the role with alarming ease. One kobold reportedly fainted from fright, mistaking him for a legendary ghost actor. Or possibly a street mime. The jury is still out.
Still, morale at HQ is up. Sergeant Ollo was overheard saying, “At least if they fail, they’ll fail fashionably.”